Jokes and Wisdom

How many Irish men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2 one to hold the lightbulb and another to drink until the room spins

What do you call an Amish person with their hand up a horse's ass?

A Mechanic

What is the difference between and ass kisser and a brown noser?

Depth perception

Beech Tree and a Birch Tree

There was once these two trees a Beech Tree and a Birch Tree.
These trees had lived beside each other all of their lives
Over the years however, another tree grew up in between them
And these being the times that they are, there were paternal issues
One day the beech tree and the birch tree noticed a woodpecker
On the unidentified tree between them.
The beech tree said to the woodpecker
"Mr. Woodpecker could you please tell me whether that tree there is
A son of a birch or a son of a beech?"
The woodpecker looked at both the birch tree and the beech tree and said
"Mr. Birch and Mr.Beech, this tree is neither a son of a beech or a son
of a birch -----------, but it is the best damn piece of ash I've had my pecker in, in awhile!"

I AM A CAPE BRETONER!!!!!

Hey, I'm not a coal miner, or a fisherman but my parents might be
and I don't live in a company house but friends of mine do
I may own a kilt or play the bagpipes, and I know at least 7John MacDonalds although
I'm sure if you knew his father's name or his family nickname, I might be able to narrow it down
My father is on pogie...not Employment Insurance.
I speak Cape Bretonese not English or French -
unless I'm from Cheticamp I say "Yous" not "you" when I am referring to more than one person.
I can proudly sing every word to "The Island".
I believe in saying Arsehole not Asshole,
You know only three spices: Salt, pepper and Ketchup ("Catsup")
You play road hockey on skates
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snow suit
The local paper covers National and International news on 1/4 pg
But requies 6 pages to cover the local horse races
I believe that Ashley MacIssac was fine until he went to Toronto,
I believe that "bet up" is the past tense of beat,
and that after fifty you must go to "the Bingo".
The stick is something Ma threatened to beat you with...
you are a minority in Cape Breton if your Grandmother didn't have at least one picture of the Pope or that portrait of Jesus
and a "puck" means a really hard punch or hit, not just something you use in hockey.
Nothing nice ever comes after the phrase "that one",
your cousin is your cousint.
Just as a conversation can begin with "What's going on ....
you can ask a complete stranger to "save us a puff".
Moonshine, if drunk well, will give you the shits
and you don't laugh really hard at something you "roar" at it.
A bungalow is a cottage
I don't pronounce the ''h'' at the end of keith's
and how in the hell do you pronounce "h" again?
By the way, it's a ''point'' of rum, not a pint of rum
My idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway;
A "Vacation" means going to Halifax for the weekend;
I see people wearing hunting clothes at social events;
My parents have installed security lights on our house and garage and leave both unlocked;
No matter how tight you get Saturday night you are going to church Sunday
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow;
I know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction;
It takes me 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when I am in a hurry, because I have to stop and talk to everyone in town
When you come out in dressed in something progressive it is not uncommon to be called a happy hooker
When you're young you believe that Jesus Mary and Joseph are deaf because everybody yells their names and they never show up.
My mother believes that the smell of pulp is the smell of money
and meat, potatoes, bologna, curds and beets are staples
I like to get a good jag on and when I do I am a hell of a good stepper
I measure distance in time
I have mastered the art of riding cows
No matter how far away from it I am Cape Breton will always be apart of me
Cape Breton is an island off of nova scotia
the first nation of auction and fiddle music
And the only place on earth God vacations
I AM A CAPE BRETONER!!!!